Report by Gerry McDonnell
In many ways Iâ€™m like a dwarf – I locate it challenging to set my hand in my pocket.
I in no way waste funds on a newspaper and only the guarantee of naked pictures of Cheryl Tweedy would lead me to splash out on a magazine.
I may possibly be a minor suggest, but Iâ€™m nowhere near as tight as Dimitar Berbatov. While celebrating his move to Previous Trafford, the frugal frontman refused to acquire a duplicate of The Big Problem. My heart went out to a clearly devastated Robbie Savage.
Sir Alex may possibly have to make some hard selections now that Berbatov, Tevez and Rooney are all vying for a commencing role. Three into two basically does not go, unless of course itâ€™s a Ronaldo house celebration.
If I was Fergie, and I drink enough to make a passing resemblance, Iâ€™d market Wayne Rooney.
The big lad may have played fairly well towards Croatia in midweek, but that overall performance is just papering more than the cracks. You can put lipstick on a pig – but you ought to never ever marry her in Italy.
Rooneyâ€™s fall from grace has been dramatic. When he 1st burst on to the scene, he appeared like the following Alan Shearer – now it appears like heâ€™s just eaten him.
I can trace the starting of the decline to Wayneâ€™s honeymoon, where it emerged that he enjoyed a sneaky fag. Cheryl Tweedy was reportedly devastated.
I also utilized to partake in a crafty cigarette after generating adore, but I had to quit when they introduced a no smoking coverage in the morgue.
I now only smoke when Iâ€™m knocked back again for sex, so Iâ€™m stubbing much more ash than Lee Chapman.
If United do choose to market Rooney, their rich neighbours will be in the body to sign him. Town have passed their first official test as a mega-prosperous club theyâ€™ve wasted thousands and thousands on Shaun Wright Phillips.
The signing of Robinho for Â£32m was a much greater piece of organization, and itâ€™s rumoured that Fernando Torres may possibly be next. Torres would jump at the chance to play alongside the skilful Brazilian – he at present appears at Robbie Keane and gently weeps.
Robbie is even now reeling soon after his penthouse flat was targeted by burglars. Itâ€™s not the 1st case of a robbery in Liverpool, Spurs not too long ago got away with Â£20m.
Whilst Manchester Town devote funds like itâ€™s heading out of trend, Mike Ashley retains on to his dollars like itâ€™s a steak and kidney pie.
Newcastle supporters intend to protest towards Ashley and his angry midget sidekick Dennis Clever. The Toon Army havenâ€™t been this riled considering that Freddie Shepherd described the local ladies as â€˜dogsâ€™. Cheryl Tweedy is certainly not a â€˜dogâ€™, although she does have a cute pair of puppies.
Even factoring in the shenanigans at St Jamesâ€™ Park, Iâ€™m convinced that Newcastle are overpriced at seven/10 at property to Hull. Iâ€™ll be staking a single position, and I anticipate to be celebrating like Cheryl Tweedyâ€™s gynaecologist.
About the Writer
Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.